Matt T. Mohr, ‘13
HEAVEN—Though the US government’s recently announced “Time Cloak” technology has been garnering near universal praise for its ability to bend the space-time continuum, a recent public statement finds God – creator of Universe and all things (so far) - up in arms.
“Do you motherfuckers know how long it took me to make time?” asked the Lord. “I don’t, because there wasn’t any fucking time before!”
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) issued a statement about the new research surrounding the “Time Cloak.” The technology creates a momentary warp in time by splitting two beams of light. Between these beams is an area where time as we know it ceases to exist. Unfortunately we are legally barred from printing the rest of the science due to risk of literally exploding your mind.
But during his address at Heaven’s Ramada Inn, God expressed increasing frustration with recent human technological achievements.
“It’s reasonable for humans to be curious, but our primary concern is that we’re running out of stuff to be impressive for,” He said.
Yahweh’s spokesperson Gabriel went on to explain how God can only be mystical so long as humans can’t do His feats themselves.
“I mean, what does he have left? You guys can land on the moon, you’re cloning animals… I mean, I saw this thing on Youtube – that’s another one, by the way, wow – where a guy made a jetpack powered by water. I mean, come on.”
Stocks in Heaven took another plummet with the US government’s announcement as more and more people are leaving the Kingdom of Angels to invest in Science.
“It’s not looking great for Heaven lately. Unless they can pull some stuff off really quickly they might be looking at layoffs,” said Judith Harold, an efficiency expert at JPMorgan. “People are seeing what Science is doing and they’re really impressed. Ever since they rolled out the Internet, it’s been rough up there.”
These concerns were clearly on God’s mind while he spoke. Rubbing his brow and collecting Himself, God ended His address on solemn terms.
“To compete with science… Heaven’s gonna need a miracle.”